Sex and Power
If you’re reading the KONU blog, then you’re no doubt interested in the art and practice of leadership, and chances are that you occupy a role of influence or authority with other people. The first thing you need to understand is that you (yes, you!) are at an even greater risk of falling under the sway of intimacy. When we add the dynamics of power and authority to the intoxicating mix of proximity and attraction, the intensity ratchets up, and we can become blinded by our own hungers.
Faced with a charismatic leader, it’s often hard to know whether we’re attracted to the person themself or to the power they wield. On the flipside, as a leader with people under our sway, we are all too easily seduced by the feelings of affirmation, control, and importance we get from the deference of our followers.
Dachner Keltner, professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, and the author of several books, including The Power Paradox, dives into this phenomenon:
“The power paradox is this: we rise in power and make a difference in the world due to what is best about human nature, but we fall from power due to what is worst. We gain a capacity to make a difference in the world by enhancing the lives of others, but the very experience of having power and privilege leads us to behave, in our worst moments, like impulsive, out-of-control sociopaths.”
Leadership experts Ronald Heifetz and Marty Linsky of the Harvard Kennedy School echo this in their book Leadership on the Line:
“We… work ourselves into believing we are somehow different… not subject to the normal human frailties… We begin to act as if we are physically and emotionally indestructible.”
In other words, we come to believe our own hype. The very attributes that helped us rise to power — our charisma, our generosity, our energy, our ability to negotiate and resolve conflict — what Keltner calls our social intelligence — start to evaporate. We become so enamored with ourselves that we behave as superior to the very people who have given us power.
Perhaps you can imagine, then, how someone might confuse the signs of their success as signs that they are desired and adored? Or how they might even abuse their power by influencing a subordinate to have sex with them? After all, is not their special status evidence of their accompanying special privileges?
Oh, how the mighty will fall.
And, if we’re being honest, isn’t it delicious when they do? As long as we’re watching from a ways off, we feel a sense of righteous joy when someone stumbles from grace. They have abused their power, and now they’re getting their deserved retribution. We Germans have a wonderful word for this feeling of joy at someone else’s apparently deserved misfortune:
Schadenfreude.
Try saying it out loud.
It’s really just perfect, isn’t it?
But it’s important to remember that not every leader who has sex with a subordinate is actively seeking to dominate, control, or abuse someone else. In the intense pressure cooker of high-stakes leadership, even people of integrity can stumble. Here are Heifetz and Linsky again:
“You may indeed have become extraordinarily good at providing a holding environment for people, containing the tensions during a process of organizational, political, or social change. You may have developed the great emotional and mental energy required to unite people in the midst of conflicting views and values … But who’s holding you? When you are completely exhausted … who will meet your need for intimacy and release?”
If we find ourselves in this vulnerable moment, and someone nearby offers us emotional and physical intimacy, we may engage with them even when, on some level, we know it might very well be our own undoing.
Speaking Up
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.”
― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
Sadly, there are too many instances where that are not consensual. Sometimes the situation is a clear-cut case of sexual harassment, misconduct, or abuse of power from someone in a position of authority. If you find yourself on the receiving end of such behavior, find someone you can share your experience with. If you don’t feel safe reporting the incident to the appropriate party within your organization, know that you are not alone, and there are outside communities of support at both social and legal levels that you can turn to for help. For starters, Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer at Facebook has compiled a wealth of resources at her non-profit, LeanIn.org.
Navigating Complex Waters
In other instances, the behavior is not a clear-cut of sexual harassment or misconduct. In my (Elisabeth’s) experience, the line between appropriate and inappropriate conduct in business settings can be murky. For example, I’ve had potential clients ask to meet me in private, for dinner, in order to get to know me better -- while we were in ongoing negotiations about a potential business collaboration. I’ve learned to set clear boundaries by asking for daytime meetings instead. Yet each time I do so I worry that I am risking an important business opportunity - or that I am overly wary towards someone who’s just being friendly. These are the complex, thorny waters that women and men have to navigate in the workplace.
In the wake of the 2017 presidential election in America, Sheryl Sandberg wrote a thoughtful and moving post on Facebook in which she reflected on situations in which she has experienced sexual harassment. Simply put, she says:
“It's the power, stupid.”
People in positions of power are more likely to abuse it. As individuals and as a society, we must work to find ways to hold power accountable. And if we find ourselves in positions of power, we must do everything we can to create communities in which people feel safe and are treated humanely and respectfully.
But what if we’re not talking about harassment or abuse? What are the ramifications when we’re talking about consensual sex between two people who work together?
Join us next week for part three in our four-part series as we continue to unpack this dilemma!